Don't Put Dirt on My Grave Just Yet....

"This time it's goodbye trouble
I feel the light at the end of this tunnel
I get stronger with every step
Come Hell - come high water
You push on me I'm going to push back harder
I got a whole lot more than a little bit left
Oh, so don't put dirt on my grave just yet
Oh, don't put dirt on my grave just yet"

I was watching a recent episode of Nashvilee when this song came on. For the first time, I truly listened to the lyrics and I fell in love. I felt like it was speaking not only to me but about my life. Especially when it says about becoming stronger with every step and also "push on me I'm gonna push back harder." 

Before my relationship with Bill, I was emotionally and physically abused my ex. It was the typical story of me thinking I could change him. We had been together since high school and the first time he laid a hand on me I was a senior in high school and he slapped me across the face, a year later we broke up. We got back together two months after that and then that's when the true physical abuse began. We moved into together and just about every other day he was beating on me. For not doing the dishes, not cleaning the house right, if the dog went potty in its pen while we were out it became my fault. Everything was my fault. I, of course, thought I could change him and if I did one thing right then it would all be okay. Obviously now I know better. 

It took me finally deciding that I needed to move back to Florida to be with my parents for us to break up. Shortly after that I met Bill and well, the rest is history (and also in my other post). 

It's taken me a long time to really come to terms with everything I went through and to also be okay with my past. It's made me the person I am, the mom I want to be, and also the person I want my daughter to grow into being. I don't want her to ever have to endure the things I did with both my ex and her father. I, as any other mom does, want better for my child. 

With every single step that I take and every single curve ball life throws me, I become a stronger person. I absolutely love the song "A Little Bit Stronger" because it got me through my break up with ex. I was able to put that one song on and drift away to a place where I was over him and could move on with my life. Now, I have this song "Don't Put Dirt On My Grave Just Yet" to also help me along with my journey of recovering from having a domestic violence relationship. Every day I live with the pain of the past but every day I get stronger and learn to live with my past. 

Best Sippy Cups According to Adylee

It's been a while since I wrote a review on something so I thought I would write one on Adylee's favorite sippy cups. We have a few she likes and uses daily and some that she only uses if the other ones are dirty. We have a wide variety of sippy cips and this mommy is constantly buying her new ones because they just come out with THE cutest designs :)

So the first we have is the playtex brand. Adylee likes both the hard spout cup as well as the straw. She is learning more towards the straw lately because she is miss independent but will almost always drink out of her pretty princess cup. I tend to like the straw more because I have read that is supposed to help with speech development and things of that nature so I am all for stuff like that. 

Secondly, she is beginning to like The First Years straw cups. I bought her this one on a whim because they didn't have the Nuk straw one that she likes (and recently broke). I let her pick it out and she of course chose the Princess one. I personally don't care for this brand because there is no stopper and the little hole that is supposed to be a "stopper" has somehow opened and leaks every time she sets it down. She tends to set them upside down or throws them a lot so then when she does I end up with juice and milk everywhere. 

We use two cups solely for milk because I am trying, and failing miserably, to get her off the bottle. So we use the Nuby and Nuk cups for that. The Nuby one was our first milk sippy and it's the one she uses the most for school. Adylee only really likes it at school and hardly uses it at home unless we absolutely have to. Her Nuk cup however, stays home and she loves to use that in the morning when she wakes up. 

There you have it, miss Adylee's favorite sippy cups. Like I said, we have tons ranging from playtex, nuk, first years, tommee tippee and even the little munchkin straw kind you get for $2 at Target. There are very good but my personal favorite brand for Adylee because she likes to turn her cups upside down and do all kinds of funky things with them is the playtex. I have never once had any major leaks with them. Yes, they have leaked at one point whenever Adylee shakes it like a mad woman but if it's just laying there it's never made a puddle on the floor. So those are my go to cups. 

Our Story

By now, most of my followers know the story about Adylee's father and why he hasn't been a present part of her life until recently. But I still wanted to kind of write it out once and for all and also for my own sanity right now. Things aren't always sunshine and roses still with us and it's moments like this when I just need to remind myself how far we have come as people, as parents and as a couple. Now, I am not bashing him in any way but there are things he has done that I hold a lot of resentment towards him for. This is simply...our story. 

Bill and I met through mutual friends and really had no interest of kings ever becoming as serious as they did. It kind of just happened. There is a 12 year age difference between us and really we were just doing the whole dating thing to see where it went. But, things kind of escalated and after only being together for a month found out that we were pregnant. I was immediately excited to become a mom but Bill wasn't so ready. 

Bill had more issues than I could've even imagined him having and didn't even know about him having before we got pregnant. Mainly drug related issues. He was heavily addicted to prescription pills and also would dabble in cocaine every once in a while. I didn't know how badly it was until I was pregnant. 

He hardly was there for me the entire time I was pregnant and sick in the hospital. Mentally he was just checked out of life and could really only care about where his next fix was coming from. When we found out we were having a girl he literally moped around for the entire day. When I was 6 months pregnant he moved 2 hours away for work and didn't come home till I was 8 months pregnant. He pretty much knew nothing about what was going on with his child. 

I went into labor two days before my due date and it took him an hour or more to get to the hospital (which was only 25 mins away). The entire time he slept. When it was time to push he didn't hold my hand or even help coach me. He just say there. He was coming off of a high and wasn't really all there. Adylee was born and he didn't show one ounce of emotion. He went over to where they were doing all her testing and held her hand. Then an hour after she was born, Bill left the hospital. He returned about 8 hours later and stayed for 3 hours or so and went back to our house to go to work the next day. His sister ended up bringing us home. 

When we got home he just didn't have the desire to really take care of Adylee. He wanted to hug, play and love on her sure. But take care of her? Nope. I did it all. He would bitch and moan about how he had to get up for work early and blah blah. Eventually I have up asking Bill for his help. You would think that at 30 something years old he would be ready for this. But no. His drugs were much more important to him. There were times when I would tell him days in advance that Adylee would need diapers but he just didn't care. The $30 it took to buy a pack of diapers was needed much more to buy 2 pills. I was always depressed and lonely and a lot of people around me could tell. 

When Adylee was 5 months old, Bill and I got into a very huge argument and he broke up with me and told me to get out. So I did. That was the last time we lived together. He saw Adylee regularly but it was always for short periods of time. I think, eventually Bill realized that it was time to get his act together and get clean for his daughter. So when Adylee was 8 months old, he left to move to Texas. He got clean and after several months of constant arguing and breaking up I decided it was just best to leave him alone. It was also around that time that Adylee turned 1 and he did not make it home for her birthday. Needless to say, I was disappointed. 

Right before Christmas, Bill had decided to call me and told me how badly he realized he had screwed up for a year of our daughters life. She hardly knew him. Adylee actually called my dad "daddy" not knowing any better. Bill visited us for Christmas and for the first time ever we felt like a family. A real family. Him and I are beginning to work on things as a couple and he has been clean and sober for almost a year. I'm very proud of him. Now Adylee knows who her father is and can point him out in a picture. 

Needless to say, we are still growing as a family and the healing process will take some time. It hasn't been a easy road but were willing to try. I'm proud of him for that. I'm hoping that things truly do stay on the right path but you never know. Things could go either way. But I refuse to let them get as bad as they did because Adylee is older know and will know and feel it so much more. She deserves more and so do I. But for now, we are working on becoming a family and eventually will be together again. God only knows what the future holds and I leave it up to Him. 

CJ's BUTTer Review

Since becoming addicted to cloth diapering I have been buying everything that is cloth diapering safe. I was searching for a cloth diaper safe diaper rash cream when CJ's BUTTer was recommended to me. So I checked it out and found out it has a few more uses than just diaper rash. 

I immediately went searching for somewhere to order it and came across a website that offered the small stick for $6.99 so I decided to get it. Then came the agonizing part of trying to pick a scent. Which is pretty hard to do if you can't smell it. But after reading some of the different scent descriptions I decided on My Pixie Pie. It just screamed Adylee to me. I ordered it and the waiting game began.

About 5 days later it showed up in the mail and I was extremely excited and anxious to give it a try. As soon as it was time to change Adylees cloth diaper I put it on. The smell was amazing!!!! It was very vanilla but you could smell the coconut in it. I rubbed some on my finger and applied it and then rubbed the stick on one of Adylee's eczema patches that we have had a hard time getting rid of. Check Adylee about 2-3 hours later and her rash was gone and I could feel how smooth her leg patch was becoming. 

Needless to say, CJ's BUTTer has gained a new customer! Not only for when Adylee has a red butt in either cloth or disposable but also for her eczema. I've had the worst time trying to get rid of it and nothing has worked but I can most definitely notice a difference on Adylee's. Anyone know if they have a lotion because that would be so much better for her eczema or else I will be rubbing the stick all over! Lol! 

Anyways, here's the scent description for My Pixie Pie along with the description on the stick for what it can be used for! 

My Pixie Pie: Named after CJs pet name for her little girl. A beautiful mixture of cherries, toasted almonds and finished with a touch of vanilla and coconut, this sweet fragrance is aptly named. BOTTOM LINE: A princess in pink, with some fairy wings and a tutu, poised and ready to tackle big brother when the mood strikes.

I HIGHLY recommend checking out their products if you cloth diaper and are in the market for a diaper cream or even if you don't cloth diaper! They are awesome! I can't wait to try out more scents. I have heard the blueberry one and monkey farts are great ones to try so they are next on our list. 

Biggest Fear As A Mom

I wanted to do something a little different than just updates and all that. I wanted to write something more personal. So the idea of writing down what my biggest fear as a mom is. It took me a while to think this one out because I didn't want it to be some random thing that everyone is thinking "well yeah, duh" when they read it. I wanted it to come from a place of true meaning. But every time I tried to think of something and began writing it just wasn't where I wanted to go with this post. So I went the normal route of fears. 

My biggest fear as a mom is that Im a bad one. Yes, I know every single mom fears this but no matter how I spun it I just couldn't make it seem like something unique. I'm scared that she won't appreciate what I do for her, she won't know how much I love her, I'm afraid something horrible will happen to her and so much more. Every mom fears these things. I've realized that it's normal and just comes with the territory. 

Adylee is the light of my life and is 100% the reason I am who I am. I was lost before her but God gave her to me to show me that there is so much more to life than just me and my issues. Or even he fathers issues (and boy does he have tons). I've learned to just take each day as it comes and try to be the best mom that i can be to her. Right now she's little and doesn't truly understand what is going on but as she continues to grow and gets older I want her to really see that I've done all I could for. I am so glad that I was granted the gift to be a mom and I take every single challenge head on. 

So for all the new mommies who may read my blog, it's okay to stress out sometimes. It's normal. 16 months later and I still have breakdowns of "how am I going to be able to do.." You're not going to be a bad mom. No possible way to be one if you love and care for your child in every single way possible. I'm still learning that and still second guess myself on being a bad mom. 

But then I take one look at Adylee and how happy she is and I know that I'm nowhere near being a bad mom. In her eyes, I'm the one person she can depend on all the time. I'm the person who hangs the moon. And that? That's what makes all the stressing and meltodowns worthwhile. Because to them, you are just the best thing out there.