It's in Gods hands....

Honestly, I don't know how much more I can take. It's always an up and down battle with Bill. He's either so in love with me or he wants nothing to so with me. I'm tired of him hurting me. 

It's not fair to Adylee either. She needs her father around. But she needs someone who is going to be there for her. For every scraped knee to every accomplishment. And so far, he hasn't. That's probably what's hurts the most. 

I'm tired of giving and giving and getting absolutely nothing in return. I can't give my all and not get his all back. Love and relationships are a two way street. Not a one way alley. 

So right now, I'm leaving it up to God. It's all in His hands. I'm not going to sit here and try to force anything. What's meant to be will be. Until then, I'm just gonna keep on praying for an answer. 

11 Month Update

I literally can't believe that my princess is now 11 months old! Only one more month and she'll be a year old. YIKES! This year has flown by so fast. I don't know where the time went. I feel like one minute I'm counting down the hours until I went into labor and now I have an almost one year old child. 

Adylee is weighing 22 lbs and 9 oz these days. BIG GIRL! I seriously don't know where she gets the weight from because she only drinks three 6 oz bottles and then one 8 oz bottle and she has weeks where she just munches. So I was shocked when the doctor told me that at her last visit. Height wise I'm not sure because her doctor only does those on her monthly visits and she doesn't have another one of those till next month. 

Her main thing these days are balls. She is addicted to them. Anytime she sees one she grabs it and won't let go. The minute I try to take it, oh good lord, all hell is breaking loose. 

Her other favorite toy is her baby doll. She loves it and it has to be in her crib with her when she sleeps. She doesn't always cuddle with it but I think knowing its there makes her happy.

Aside from that, she has a huge attachment to me. I expect that since she's only ever been with me. I get a lot of crap for it from everyone but I love it. I'm glad that she knows that with her Mama she is safe from harm. We do a lot of co-sleeping these days so I know that adds to the attachment issues even more. Recently, I began co-bathing and I love it! Such a relaxing time with your baby.

As you can tell from the above picture she is such a little diva and anyone who knows her would vouch for that. Sad part is that she knows it too haha. She can throw a temper tantrum with the best of them these days. But, no matter how mad she gets at me she still comes running up to me just to give me a big hug and a kiss. Those are the moments that make all the temper tantrums worth it.

She's a full blown walker now and it is nearly impossible for me to get a picture of her standing still. As soon as I start to walk back she's walking towards me haha. She's a little ham sometimes. She's also learned a few new words lately: no, mo (more), and yeah. I'm working on "up" right now but shes being stubborn. And still...no teeth. GRRRR!

I am so excited to see what this next month is going to bring us. I feel like every month is different. She either says something or does something new. I am always so proud in those moments. They make me feel like I am doing something right when it comes to her. Like I am actually teaching her and helping her learn. I always blame myself for when something goes wrong with her development because I was so sick and because I had to take so many medications. I know I shouldn't but I do. And when she learns something I wash away that doubt for a few minutes. 

She's my world. And not a minute goes by that I don't tell her that or tell her how much I love her. I always will. 

Sleep little angel...

These are the moments I love the most. When Adylee needs me. This doesn't happen very often so when it does I treasure every single second of it. She has become so independent within the last few months and I always feel like I'm not needed as much as I used to be. It's always the same routine...I lay down with her while she holds her bottle and drinks it. Then she rolls over, sticks her paci in her mouth and off to sleep she goes. But tonight....tonight she needed me. I got to hold her and hold her bottle for her while she drifted off to sleep. I can't even remember the last time I was able to do that. It makes me feel so wanted when she does things like this. Or when she wakes up in the middle of the night and cries out "mama". Even though I complain about having to wake up in the middle of the night and how I get no sleep, it's still something that makes me feel needed. Because with her, I don't get that very often. Especially now that she is off and running. Pretty soon she's not gonna want me to cuddle her so when the oppurtunity arises, I take it. 

I had always said I would never co-bathe or co-sleep. But since her dad and I split, I have done those. Not because I wanna be defiant against him but because those little moments make memories. So what if she wakes up in the middle of the night sometimes and wants to sleep with me? Ill let her! She's a mamas girl and all that it entails. She looks for me when I walk out of the room. When my mom picks her up from my job because I have to close that night, she comes running to me as soon as I get home. I've been the only constant thing in her life since the beginning. And that will never change. I love my daughter more than life itself. And I will do whatever it takes to make sure that each day she wakes up and knows that her mama loves her with every inch of my body. 

Because one day, she's gonna be a mom herself and I want her to look back on these moments and think "wow, my mom did everything she could for me and that's the way a mom is supposed to be." 

She's my world and then some. I can't wait for all the fun that is to come tomorrow. She makes my days. 

Just remember that you'll always be my baby....

There I was ten years old

Waiting in my room for him to come home

I just knew he'd be so mad

Though I begged my mother not to, she told my dad.

There was no denying I let him down

But instead of being angry

He put his arms around me and said

In the sunlight or the rain, brightest nights or darkest days

I'll always feel the same way

Whatever road you may be on

Know you're never too far gone my love is there wherever you may be

Just remember that you will always be my baby.

There I was twenty one

Oh I was so ashamed of what I'd done

On a country road

Parked one night

What started out so innocent

Crossed the line

There was no denying

I let God down

But instead of being angry

He let his love surround me and I heard

In the sunlight or the rain, brightest nights or darkest days

I'll always feel the same way

Whatever road you may be on

Know you're never too far gone

My love is there wherever you may be

Just remember that you will always be my baby yeah yeah.

There he is my little man

I'm sure he'll get in trouble every now and then

And I pray to god that when he does

I'll be just as understanding as my father was

'cause the last thing that I want to do is let him down

So instead of being angry

I'm gonna throw my arms around him and I'll say

In the sunlight or the rain, brightest nights or darkest days

I'll always feel the same way whatever road you may be on

No you're never too far gone

My love is there wherever you may be

Just remember that you will always be my baby be my baby

10 Month Update

Adylee turned 10 months on the first and boy has new things started arising already! She always seems to have milestone moments on the first. When she was 4 months she sat up assisted, 6 months she sat up unassisted, 7 months she started crawling. Now at 10 months she is walking. She still crawls a lot and has to pull herself up holding onto something but once she does she's off and running.

I am so proud of my princess. I literally started crying at work when she just kept walking and walking all day long. 

Adulee has such an amazing personality now. She is always laughing, smiling and makes the cutest faces. She is such the litter daredevil too. She has absolutely no fear at all. She's recently learned how to climb and she will climb up the stairs like it's nothing. Her new thing is to climb into her little rocker bouncy seat and stand up in it. The first time I caught her I about had a heart attack. Adylee is such a girly girl but will be someone who I will have to worry about taking those risks all the time. I can definitely see her giving me a run for my money. Lord help me now! 

Some facts about miss Adylee Marie:

-She weighs 21 lbs and 10 oz. My little chunky monkey

-She's 28 inches long

-Wears a size 4/4.5 in shoes

-Clothes wise she is wearing anything from 6-9 months all the way up to 12 months. 

-Is eating table food completely. Hardly eating any baby food anymore unless it's those little Gerber Graduate pouches

-She loves to watch Disney Junior in the morning when she's eating breakfast

-Favorite shows are Sofia and Mickey Mouse

-Takes a pacifier to go to sleep (just started this at 9 months)

-Has to have her princess blanket to hold onto when going to sleep and then has to be covered with one of her leopard blankets

 I am so excited to start getting everything ready for her first birthday party! It's gonna be such an amazing party :)

I was given the best gift possible the day she was born. I literally could not ask for a better daughter. She's everything I dreamed she would be and then some. She's my whole world. I am so lucky to be able to call myself her momma. My little punkin is growing up way too fast for me but I am excited for all the things to come for us in the future.

Clothing Haul!

Recently, I went out and bought some things for Adylee and ordered some things online for her as well. I thought I'd put together a little bit of a clothing haul to show off some of her new stuff :) 


First collage!

 1. Stride Rite shoes. We finally got her some walking shoes!! They are meant to help her walk and strengthen her ankles and get her to stop standing tip toe all the time.

2. I got this shirt from the Children's Place for like $5 on sale this past weekend and I am in love with it!!! She is little and she is sweet so it fit Adylee perfectly.

3. A cute little leopard tutu that I got at Khol's a few weeks ago.

4. I got this makeup bag when I bought a nail polish from Walmart last weekend and I decided it would be a perfect paci holder so it holds every single one of her MAM pacis.

5. And lastly, her new Vans. I am sooo in love with these shoes. They are such an adorable bright pink and she looks so stinkin' adorable in them. Especially when she wears her skinny jeans. Best buy!!

Now onto the next collage!

 1. I got this cute Zara outfit online and I can't wait for her to wear it in the fall! She's going to look like such a little diva.

2. Zara leggings. Can I just say I am in love with these? They stretch and are just perfect.

3. I got her these two onesies at Walmart a couple weeks ago. The birthday one I paid $2 for and thought it would be perfect for her to wear when she turns 1! And the camo one was just too cute to pass up. I'm anxiously waiting for her to fit into it.

4. & 5. I got two sleepers at the Children's Place this past weekend for $8 and these are them. The first one is a cute bright neon stripe one and then of course I had to get the leopard!

 And lastly....

 I just bought these two things at our local consignment store. They only sell things that are brand new or gently worn. I love it. I get a lot of stuff from there all the time. I saw the sleeper and immediately had to get them. It's our favorite print!!! And the diaper genie was just a bonus because I had been wanting to get one for some time. This was only $10 so I couldn't pass it up!


That's everything we bought so far!!! Lots of cute stuff and some steals. 

I have loved you for a thousand years...

I was in my living room writing my review on the formula when Adylee started crying in her sleep. I instantly walked into the room, scooped her up, and reassured her that it was okay. I laid her down in my bed and snuggled up real close to her and she fell back asleep. I didn't have the heart to put her back in her crib because she looked so peaceful. But in those few seconds that I got to cuddle with her she laid her tiny hand on mine and I could just feel that unconditional love that we have for each other. 

She's my rock. She keeps me grounded and happy. I just don't know what I would do without her right now. My life is a constant roller coaster and I can't seem to find that balance just yet but when she looks at me and smiles...all my issues disappear. Everything I do is for her. All the constant struggle? For her. The staying up 3-4 hours in the middle of the night just to put her back to sleep? For her. 

I feel like I don't even know who I was before Adylee came along. I can't remember what it was like to be a young adult going out constantly. I feel weird even doing it now that I'm a mom. One of my co-workers just turned 21 and she's asked me go out to the bars with her a few times and I've always said no. I would just rather be home snuggling up to my daughter than going out and getting hit on by random drunks. I've been there. I've done that. I don't feel 22. 

I know that God has a plan for us but sometimes through all the constant struggle and issues with Bill...it's hard to see what that is. But I trust in Him. I just hope and pray that soon everything will get better. It's been a hard year but it's been worth it. 

She's what makes it all worth it. 

Pregnancy & Birth Story

My pregnancy and birthing story isn't your typical one. Adylee is literally a miracle baby and if I had listened to the doctors from the beginning she would not be here today. 

 I found out I was pregnant at just 6 weeks after having missed my period. I was only with her father, Bill, for a month at the time. We had just moved into a one bedroom house. After having told everyone in our families, friends and co-workers I was pretty excited to become a mom. Even though I was only 20 I knew that I was ready for it at that time in my life. About 3 weeks after finding out that I was pregnant, I went to the mall with my parents and sister for a little family outing. I thought I had some massive heartburn/nausea and I was in some serious stomach pain. So we left the mall and my parents took me home to lay down while they continued their little outing with my sister. After trying to sleep it off, I woke up at 5 to eat dinner but I couldn't even stand the sight or smell of food. Bill came to my parents house to see how I was and immediately told me I needed to call my OB. I did and they told me to go to the hospital. On the way there, I had Bill stop about twenty times so I could throw up. What should've taken us 15 minutes to get to a hospital took me about 30.

I was admitted and the baby was instantly monitored. Turned out I was having a gallbladder attack and I needed to have my gallstones removed. The dr at the hospital I was in came to see me and told me that my baby was still in the developing stages and if I had them removed I could risk radiation exposure and went down the list of possible side effects. Then she proceeded to tell me that I needed to terminate my pregnancy. I started crying my eyes out. My precious little baby was not going to be terminated if I could help it. My mom had me transferred to a different hospital and they were able to take out my gallstones. I was supposed to be okay to go home after a couple days but I ended up having issues with my pancreas and had to stay longer. I was put on a special wing of the hospital. After being in the hospital for what seemed like forever, I was finally released. I went home and a week later I ended up in the hospital again for having more pains. The diagnosis was that my gallbladder needed to come out. They couldn't operate until I was 20 weeks however and wanted me to stay till then. I refused. I had been in the hospital long enough and I just wanted to go home. After three days, I was released and in a week or so I would be back to get my gallbladder removed.

The day finally came and I went into have my gallbladder removed. I woke up afterwards to my mother, father and Bill in my room. Everyone hugged me. I was in so much pain that I felt like I was dying. Finally the doctor came in and told me that my gallbladder was very bad. Gang green actually and I had to have special infectious disease medicine because it could affect other parts of my body including my baby. There were some risks but the benefits of taking them outweighed it. After a week or two in the hospital I was able to come home. I later found out that I had died on the table while they were operating on me. God was looking out for me for sure. I thank him every day for giving me a second chance at life. By the time all was said and done, I had lost a total of 20 pounds in 5 months. Normal pregnant women would be putting on the weight, I was losing it due to all my gallbladder issues and barely being able to eat.

I was finally free of all issues and was able to enjoy being pregnant. A few days after being out of the hospital I found out I was having a little girl. I was so excited that I went out right away and got two little outfits for her. 

After all of that I had a pretty normal pregnancy and at 38 and a half weeks Bill and I moved into our first house. Then the day finally came... I was 39 and 7 days and we had just finished getting Adylee's room all set up. Bill got up to go to work and kissed my belly and told Adylee that he loved her and couldn't wait to meet her like he always did. I got up about an hour later and got in my car and drove up the road to my parents house for breakfast. At about 8:30, I went to go pee. I didn't even make it to the toilet when I felt something gush out. My water had broken. I immediately called my mom and we went straight to the hospital. I let my OB office know and they said that the on call midwife was already there doing her rounds. I then called Bill who dropped everything he was doing and left work. He called his family who met me at the hospital. At first they told me that it was just discharge but I assured them that it was not. After an hour of waiting for results they came in and told me that they would be admitting me because my water had broken and was breaking in spurts. I was then put on the pill to jump start contractions because I wasn't having any. After one pill they stuck me on pitocin. I was in labor for 20 hours before it was finally time to push. I pushed and pushed for 2 and a half hours before they came in and told me that she was face up, I had a fever and her heart rate was up way too high. They said I would have to have a c-section. I started crying. I felt like I had failed. The doctor then came in and said that I could push her out with the help of a vacuum if I wished. I said yes. After 4 pushes and some pulls with the vacuum, Adylee was born at 7:20 in the morning on the day before I was due. Weighing 7 lbs and 20 oz and 20 inches long she was perfect from head to toe.

So, to the stupid doctor I say screw you. My daughter is perfectly healthy and is right on track with her development. 

It wasn't an easy pregnancy or labor but in the end, I got a miracle. She saved me in every single way a person could be saved. She is the reason for me to get up in the morning and provide for her in every way possible. She's my angel. I was given a second chance at life so that I could be her mom. And boy am I glad that God gave me that chance.